Lessons

Hi Friends.

I wanted to pop on and say hello from where I am today. My healing continues, I am full of Life and lessons that have brought me closer to a place of comfort and safety.

Here are ways that have helped me recently. Maybe one, or a few, of these can guide you too?

1 – Meditations focused on pain management and trauma. Breathing, breathing, breathing.

2 – Allowing myself permission to grieve and not resist. Forgiveness.

3 – Diving into / tracking triggers.

4 – Eating clean-ish.

5 – Anti-inflammatory supplements, like turmeric.

6 – Acupuncture.

7 – Melatonin -> a more regular sleep cycle.

8 – Connecting with supportive friends and community.

9 – Going outdoors for even a short walk. Feeling the sun and fresh air on my skin.

10 – Listening and living with an open heart.

🌹🌹🌹

Transformation

How are you dear friend?

I am well. And it feels good to write that.

The timing of a recent and solo journey to Mexico City and San Miguel de Allende was, without coincidence, two wild years since I was first hospitalized and (unknowingly) falling prey to Sepsis.

I’m not going to post the “before” photos" on this post because I am trying, really trying to move beyond.

This trip was a proving ground of sorts, a nod to my recovery and to how strong I am. This trip was a celebration. These experiences, then and now, have been life-changing and life-affirming.

“I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories... water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Thank you to everyone who has been at my side and for reminding me why I’m here.

Much love sweet friends. I appreciate you. ♡

Six Months

Happy six month post sixth surgery anniversary to me!!!

Today I woke up with a pain level of ZERO. Six months later. I felt strong and uplifted.

I’m edging up on two years since I fell ill — sometimes that feels like a lifetime. My core (quite literally) has been rocked and I am still learning to trust. I have stretched my strength, seen my limits, my shadows, my ego and held my courage close. I am humbled and remain grateful for my beautiful body for carrying me and for continuing to heal.

***

Thank you for reading my story, if you are moved to help please share this site or my Go Fund Me. Contributions are still needed to assist with medical bills and lost time from work. Any amount will be accepted with loving gratitude.

All my thanks and love.

Leah

Sunday Supper

So it’s the end of Sepsis Survivor Week and I’d be amiss if I didn’t mention that. 🙌🏻

The 1.4 million people who live through Sepsis each year often face: insomnia, nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety, chronic pain and poor concentration. This last year and a half has been challenging as I work through all of the above. But every day I remember and say my thanks — I survived.

Even when we create happiness in our lives there is an “inevitability of hardship and heartbreak. … {that said}, We can face suffering in a way that ennobles rather than embitters. We have hardship without becoming hard. We have heartbreaks without being broken.” (Desmond Tutu)

I am not broken. Every experience is an opportunity to grow.

On a lighter note :) and energy permitting, I’ve been spending time in my kitchen. Planning and creating new meals is my jam and my joy. Recently I made the spicy sausage, wild shrimp and white bean soup pictured below. A broth of aromatics, tomato and white wine. On the side, a toasted buttery baguette. This recipe is definitely a keeper and the perfect meal to warm up a "cold” winter day in Northern Cali.

I hope you are cozy and well tonight. Life is good and we are blessed.

***

My Go Fund Me is still active. I’ve been a bit quiet about it but contributions are still needed. I am humbled by all the encouragement and support I have received. Thank you! Please consider sharing my story. Any and all donations will be accepted with loving gratitude.

Bloom

I love the holidays and feel a little melancholy to see them end.  My birthday is one week after New Year’s Eve and I always enjoy the extra week of indulgence, pajamas, cuddles, celebration, introspection and reflection.

This year on my birthday I re-affirmed my commitment to living with an open heart and integrity, to share love, to cultivate compassion, to connect with myself and all the joys that make me whole. There is so much I look forward to doing this year. On my birthday and every day I try to take time to pay notice of and honor all the blessings in my life. Gratitude births happiness.

Today is one month, to the day, from my surgery and I’m doing great. I am learning to trust my health and body again. I have been enjoying slow walks outside each day and I plan to return to work, part time, next week. I can’t wait to practice yoga again. I have been nourishing myself with rest and yummy meals.

After all these years of little lessons and living, I’m feeling well grounded in who I am and what I want. Too often it is our mind that stops us short or fabricates a narrative that is not useful. It doesn’t have to be that way. We all have the ability to push on and to push beyond — whatever that means for each of us. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way.

***.

My Go Fund Me is still up. I am humbled my all the encouragement and support I have received. Please consider sharing my story. Any and all contributions will be accepted with gratitude.

I am grateful for each and every one of you and wish you the very best in this beautiful New Year! 

New Beginnings

I did it. I made it! Surgery number six, in less than one and a half years was a (swimming?) success.

I have lot’s of crazy tales to reflect on … but right now I am only good for a few minutes of writing before I will rest, again.

My body has been through so much and refuses to give up. (Go body go!) Below is a photo of my tummy with 31 staples that were removed on the Winter Solstice — an absolutely fitting day to set new intentions, plant seeds of growth, lean in towards the Light and honor my healing and all the helpful love that surrounds me.

This update wouldn’t be complete without a grateful nod to my surgeon, Dr. Jonathan Carter. I am so thankful for his skillful masterful and thoughtful care. Seriously the guy rocks.

Here’s to a healing and blessed 2019! I know it will be. 💕

***

My Go Fund Me is still up. Mad thanks to all of you who have already given generously; it means the world. Please consider sharing my story. Any and all contributions will be accepted with gratitude.

Grace

We are down to the final countdown before my surgery — at this time next week the surgery will be finished. I am focused on preparing and being present. Yoga every day, keeping my energy clear, enjoying the next twenty meals :), soaking up the holidays, so many arrangements and appointments… I am fortunate be able to prepare this time around.

I am cautiously optimistic about the surgery but more that that I am sad about what it means. I’m not sure everyone understands the weight of this. We began this journey trying to become pregnant and after this surgery it will be too risky for me to do so.

More than anything — that is what breaks my heart. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to sit easy with this. Am I selfish for thinking I deserve a family over my health?

Right now it is one step at a time. I will proceed with strength and Grace.

My GFM is still up. Please consider sharing my story. Any and all contributions will be accepted with gratitude. I will *give back* 10% of all donations made to my GFM from today to the end of 2018 to UCSF.

I will forever be grateful for the life-saving, respectful care I received at UCSF. Donations help UCSF stay innovative and enables this state of the art hospital to meet urgent medical challenges.

And finally, this Danna Faulds’ poem.

"Let it Go

Let go of the ways you thought life would unfold:

the holding of plans or dreams or expectations – Let it all go. Save your strength to swim with the tide.

The choice to fight what is here before you now will only result in struggle, fear, and desperate attempts to flee from the very energy you long for.

Let go.

Let it all go and flow with the grace that washes through your days whether you received it gently or with all your quills raised to defend against invaders.

Take this on faith; the mind may never find the explanations that it seeks, but you will move forward nonetheless. Let go, and the wave’s crest will carry you to unknown shores, beyond your wildest dreams or destinations.

Let it all go and find the place of rest and peace, and certain transformation."

Dāna and Giving Thanks

Devanagari: दान is a Sanskrit and Pali word that connotes the virtue of generosity and charity. In Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism and Sikhism, Dāna is the practice of cultivating generosity.

The idea of Dāna has resonated with me over time and has continued to find meaning in my life.

Dāna is not far from the Jewish practice of Tzedakah, which I grew up with. On the surface level, Tzedakah is about giving charitable contributions. On a deeper level it is about righteous behavior and it is a term often associated with “justice”.

In Jewish thought and tradition, support for those in need is not a matter of “charity” — a term that implies generosity beyond what may be expected — Tzedakah is something that is woven right into our moral code.

Leslie, who I have not seen for twenty some years, shared my GFM with our Tamakwa Family. Her willingness to love with an open heart gave this campaign a jump and provided me with some much-needed motivation.

This experience has felt so personal and there have been times that I have felt isolated and alone.

I am not alone in my happiness or my challenges. This week throughout California there have been lost lives, homes, and hundreds of thousands of acres burned. I feel a bit selfish and guilty for expressing my troubles.

Even while I have my own hardships I am not alone. Sadly suffering exists throughout our world. Despite my challenges I will continue to make offerings to others. I will always make an effort to offer compassion and empathy. All beings desire and deserve freedom from pain. We can help each other. It can take the littlest gesture to lift a friend, or stranger in need.

Yoga is a practice of Union. Union with ourselves and also with our communities and the world at large. Yesterday one of my yoga teachers reminded me that giving thanks is an offering of freedom.

So with all this in mind, I say thank you to everyone who has made space for me. I appreciate you very much!

Thanks for reading sweet friends.

If you are so inclined, any support, or sharing this would be welcomed with Love. https://www.gofundme.com/leah-rosenthal

Nosara, Costa Rica

Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to get away. Not run away, or escape, rather find space, clarity, and perspective.

So that’s what I did.

I understand that the photo below might not look like much, but it is.... :)

Miles and miles of soft sand dotted with seashells, all shades and shapes. There’s the occasional piece of coral that floated in from another coast. All this, untouched by pollution and litter. There is a deep respect for the environment in Nosara. On Playa Pelada, you might see children playing in a tide pool or a crab may cross your path. There are gentle rolling swells and the clear ocean waters only a few degrees cooler than the hot air.

I hope you take time for yourself in what every form you need. You are absolutely worth it!

🐚

My GFM is still up and there are more updates there. Thanks for reading sweet friends.

Chosen Path

Sundays. I remember growing up and feeling a lot of anxiety on Sundays because I was anticipating all the stresses of the coming week. This has changed. Now I embrace every breath I have — regardless of the day of the week. I love the structure and security of going to work on Mondays. Knowing I can arrive and offer my best.

I don’t sleep well anymore because I’m scared of slipping over to the other side. I am on edge and looking trauma straight in the eye.

I had an appointment at Stanford this week to receive a second option about my surgery. The meeting confirmed that I am solid and confidant with my surgeon and plan with at UCSF. This is something I feel good about.

This photo is from a hike I took earlier this week at Rodeo (Roe-day-oh) Beach. it feels so good to be in nature, to take time for myself and to re-evaluate, to breath, and to know from here on out I am choosing my path. That’s it. As perceptive and thinking beings, we are responsible for our own (mental) health and happiness. It may not be easy, often it’s not. But each day I wake up and TRY.

I made a delicious Tortilla Española yesterday. Any time I can get up and inspired to cook I know I am in a good space. Making time for me.

I am testing the GoFund me waters too. I resisted this for a long time, but frankly my medical expenses are not sustainable. How did I get here?

If you are so inclined, any support, or sharing this would be welcomed with Love. https://www.gofundme.com/leah-rosenthal